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Thanksgiving Update: Baking With Toddlers

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Today, Porter and I attempted our first cake together, and I just gotta be real: baking with toddlers is a complete joke.

Maybe girls are more patient, but Porter seriously made me want to rip my hair out. He wanted to taste everything. After repeated "nos", I just let him go for it. Let me tell you, the look on his face when he tasted vanilla extract and unsweetened cocoa powder was a pained one, and I fought back every urge to beam at him: "I told you so".

I told him not to throw stuff into the KitchenAid. After I fished out apple skin (from the apple he was eating), and a whole egg, I told him he was on sous-chef probation and that he needed to vacate the counter. In retaliation, he shoved his fork into my dry ingredients and tossed it into the air, the culinary version of giving me the finger.

It was raining flour, cocoa powder, and granulated sugar. And I was seeing red. I plopped him off the counter and onto the floor, where he continued to rant about the disgusting "coconut flour" (cocoa powder) that I "made him" taste. I turned on my mom-survival-blinders and just ignored him. He stomped around the kitchen, pitching an absolute fit, until he decided tears were a better approach, and he just sobbed: "... but I wanna help youuuuuuuuu, mom!"

First of all, I am "mommy". Don't you dare call me mom like some teenager, and stop trying to make me feel guilty. You tiny, tiny, little dictator.

Second of all, YOU CANNOT PUT WHOLE EGGS INTO THE KITCHENAID. You have to follow the recipe. I know this is asking the impossible, since you can't wipe your own butt, but that's why I was repeatedly and willingly reminding you of the rules. When you chose to ignore me, time and time again, you get the boot. That's just how it goes.

And now, he's freaking out because when I asked him what he wanted for lunch and when he said cake, I told him it wasn't a possibility.

My cakes are out of the oven, and it's time for the filling - which he is not allowed anywhere near.

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